Week 2 and where am I?

What is today? What is the point of even knowing? If I didn't have dr's appointments I am sure I would lose track of the days entirely. I know I am towards the end of week 2 of introspection. Those that know me know that I overanalyze things, so why do I need a time specifically for analyzation? Instead of analyzing what could be going on, I am focusing on what has happened and possible things I could do. What have I found out so far?

1. My insecurities
a. I am self conscious of my body. I know some people who know me would laugh at that due to my admiration of my own breasts. My weight has me worried. I worry about gaining too much. I also worry about losing too much. Lately I've been losing weight because of my new medication. It has me turned off to food, just not hungry. I'm starting to get my appetite back. I bought some snack food hoping that if I had something easily ready to munch on would make me eat. It has worked so far, but I worry I might eat too much snacks. I do work out in the morning: 30min cardio and 10min ab workout. I'm happy being on the thinner side of things, maybe I can just get a little more toned.
b. Social interactions. If I don't know people very well I have one of two reactions: 1. I don't talk, 2. I talk too much. I'm not exactly sure how to act in social situations I have no control over. I like to be in control, most people do. I need to make sure that when in a group to contribute and allow others to contribute.

2. The break down impulse is larger than I prefer. Part of the Bipolar is getting paranoid, racing thoughts and getting caught up in things. I easily do that when things start to go wrong. Self pity parties can occur instantly. I have found that some people help me with this - not that I never want sympathy, but sometimes people will do the "awww poor C'eleste" thing and offer no help. I shouldn't rely on other people and in most instances I don't.

3. I am not a tomboy, but I am the geekboy girl companion. What can I say? I like to play video games and when pinned up against a guy I can kick some ass without being let to win. I am also an avid horror film fan (zombie flicks to be exact). I'm a fan of geekboy shows (Adult Swim, MXC) I draw the line at anything space exploration related (unless it's the mooninites). I think it helps that:

4. I am not a girly girl. Yes I am a girl, but the concepts of clothes/shoe/purse shopping, make up and hair styling are lost on me. It's true. I can't stand shopping - unless it is for cds. I do have moments of girliness though. There have been instances where I got dolled up to catch some male attention, as well as documented incidences of shopping.

5. I have impossibly high standards, apparently. Is it too much to ask friends to be there when I am feeling down? To hang out sometime? To call me once in a while instead of me always calling them? To be honest? Sometimes I guess so, which I why I don't have many friends. I also have high standards for dating. Someone told me I expect perfection, that isn't so. I just need someone who can handle me and understand what I need.

6. What do I need from a guy? I realize I can be a very emotionally needy. I also tend not to be too affectionate or physically needy. In fact, there are sometimes when I can't stand to be touched at all. I need someone to understand that being bipolar I'm not always going to act rationally to things, I try to get a control on it, but sometimes I can't. I also need someone to know or learn how to handle the depressions and the mania.

7. What do I want? I have a friend who has a list of things she wants to do before she is 25. We are the same age and in a year and 1/2 we will reach that marker. She has listed silly things, and serious goals. I thought about it, and there really isn't anything I feel like I have or want to get down before 25, even before I die. I guess I want the whole get married and procreate thing, but not now. I am not ready for it now. I am not even ready to think about that now. The only thing that stands out is that I WANT to go to Japan. So I am studying my ass off to join the JET Programme.

I think that is enough self realization for today.

Upswing

Lately I have been pretty down. My car broke down yesterday in the middle of the street on my way to therapy. Needless to say I didn't get to therapy (ooh good since I feel my life is falling apart). I waited 3 hours at the mechanics to find out that the work they would do would cost about $300 just for labor. Nooooo way. I took my car and made it home. I figured out that I have to put my car in neutral when I come to a stop. Everyone I talked to indulged in my self pity party.
I went to the mailbox after I got home and found a package from my mum. I called her to thank her and told her about my car. She said,"How exciting!" I was like WTF. She said that it is exciting because I could go pick out a new car. I didn't think of it like that. I feel much better now.
Today I went to the teacher store and got a bunch of stuff for my classroom. I got a 10% discount too :) I am excited about the new school year. I get to start off with my class rather than just coming in. I'm excited about this new writing program I picked up. It will really get them writing, I hope.

I just feel like I am dying

I don't understand what's going on in my life. I don't understand how I get myself to this point. When we are all convinced everything is fine, perfect, set, I freeze. Why do I retreat when things seem to be progressing so wonderfully? Is it fear the drives me away from potential happiness?
Since the disengagement I have been hopping from man to man. We hit it off, and things seem great, then I freeze up and end it. I rush to get involved, then freak out because things get serious or are attempting to be serious. I will find one little problem and exaggerate it. That gives me a reason to leave.
I'm afraid. I think everything will go down hill. I am a tragic romantic: love does exist, but it is doomed from the start (see Hamlet, Wuthering Heights, West Side Story, Gone With the Wind). I don't care how irrational it sounds. It's just easier to end things before I can get hurt. Unfortunately that hurts other people.
The last two people I've hurt, one I am currently hurting, I've felt incredibly bad for hurting. As much as it pains them, it kills me as well. Am I destined to live my life alone because I am afraid of being hurt again?
Sometimes I wish lightening would strike and everything would be clear.

Try, Try, Try

Things are not fairing well. While it did seem excellent that I got out twice on Friday. Angela and I had lunch. I also when to Angela's birthday party.

Today has been rough. While trying to make this self discovery I am after, I am hurting people. That was never my goal. I wonder if I should just do what I did last time I tried it, scrap it. Is it worth it? After hearing all the damage I have caused, it was too much. I went into a crying fit followed by an anxiety attack. It's one of the worst I've had recently. Even hours later my chest/lungs still hurt. I'm also very physically and mentally drained. I'm ready to just give up.

The Existance of Romance

Is romance dead? Or did it ever exist at all? I watch Cary Grant, Humphy Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, Eva Marie Saint and so on, and I want to believe such feelings are possible in real life. I would love to live a scene from those films I secretly watch. I would love a night out, dressed up for a nice dinner, take a turn around the dance floor, and just when the stars and moon are right the kiss. I would love a little picnic in a pretty sundress, eating strawberries and drinking wine after a ride through the country side. Perhaps in one of my dark hours for the leading man to pull me close and declare his undying love for me.
Yeah I am living in a dream world. So I hide it. I pretend it doesn't exist.

Searching for self

So I am taking a vacation from being a girlfriend, a role I have played for 5 years straight. I am attempting to find who I am on my own. Where will this lead me? I have no idea.
The summer job situation is gone now. I just don't care. Maybe this is fate's way of telling me I have better things to do. Here is my list of things to do:

1. Study (relearn) Japanese (gotta study to get into Jet)
2. Work on curriculum
3. Master one of the Reger Suites
4. Scrapbook pictures from the last year
5. Read when able

I have picked up a great book: The Zombie Survival Guide. It is funny as all get out, but also very realistic. If you really imagine yourself in that particular situation the book provides very helpful information.

Today I did miss Marshall. I was feeling bad about the job situation. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and be held by him. I think that is a good sign.

I am having lunch with Angela and Diana from work on Friday. It is Angela's birthday. She is also having a party that night. I might just go. I need more friends, female friends. Not there is anything wrong with my male friends, I just need to be around other women. I think this will be good for me. I'll have people to talk to and hang out with.

Let the definition of the me on my own begin.

The Little Things

We miss moments in life that could have lead us to somewhere we want to be. We miss these chance either because we are too afraid to take them or we do not recognize that an opportunity has presented itself.
Are we too focused on what we want instead of the way to get there? Do we pass up the little things while keeping the big things in mind? I think all one has to do is realize what they want and how others are connected to that. Examine how these other people are connected. What is it that makes that person tick? What is it that they want? Figure that out and and woe them with that knowledge.
Is it that the girl you love feels you don't care or lack the ability to show it? Maybe all she wants is to hear from you, even if you talk everyday. How does she treat you? What are the little things she does to make you feel special? Does she give you little surprises? Maybe it's not all materialistic things, little notes, a card, an email, a letter, something so that she knows you think of her, that you cherish her existance. Maybe I am wrong.

lame quiz

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	C'eleste
Birthday:	12/14/81
Birthplace:	Concord, NH
Current Location:	Greenville, SC
Eye Color:	Green
Hair Color:	Blonde
Height:	5'5
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	French
The Shoes You Wore Today:	none as of yet
Your Weakness:	music
Your Fears:	Failure
Your Perfect Pizza:	Mushroom and Feta
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Relearning Japanese
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	yeah
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Fuck
Your Best Physical Feature:	My boobs
Your Bedtime:	11pm when I have to work
Your Most Missed Memory:	Living in NH
Pepsi or Coke:	neither
MacDonalds or Burger King:	neither
Single or Group Dates:	single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Tea
Do you Smoke:	No
Do you Swear:	All the fucking time
Do you Sing:	in the car and shower where no one can hear
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes
Have you Been in Love:	Yes
Do you want to go to College:	No, I just got out
Do you want to get Married:	Someday
Do you belive in yourself:	sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	on boats
Do you think you are Attractive:	reasonably
Are you a Health Freak:	no
Do you get along with your Parents:	now I kinda do
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yes
Do you play an Instrument:	Yes, Viola
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yup
In the past month have you Smoked:	nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	I suppose persciption drugs don't count
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yes - don't really like to go
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No, but a cup of mini oreos yes
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yes
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	I spent 4 months drunk
Ever been called a Tease:	oh yeah
Ever been Beaten up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	yes
How do you want to Die:	Drowning
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Writer or a radio CJ (am a teacher right now)
What country would you most like to Visit:	Japan
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	As long as they are deep, doesn't matter
Favourite Hair Color:	Dark
Short or Long Hair:	Short
Height:	taller than me
Weight:	more than me
Best Clothing Style:	Comfortable
Number of Drugs I have taken:	1 illeagal; plenty of Rx
Number of CDs I own:	124
Number of Piercings:	2: ears
Number of Tattoos:	2
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	2
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

I'm wide awake it's morning

The Eastern seaboard is waking up, the sun rising as a reminder there is work to do. I am already up and watching the last few moments of slumber fade to the West. I felt like my mother, wrapped in memories of her. When I was a little girl she would sit out on the porch with her coffee, reading the paper. When we moved to Arizona, she would sit out on the patio with her coffee, reading the paper.
I sat in the awakening of the world on the balcony with my chai tea and a book. Have I ever been awake at this time when there was no urgency to be off somewhere, be it work or classes? I owe it to the terrible night I had.
I had a headache most of yesterday. By 9pm it had turned into a migrane pounding viciously in my brain. I drew a hot bath and sat there in the dark. I let the warm water envelop me. I took my medicine (the stuff that knocks me out) thinking it would provide a relief from the pain. It didn't occur this way. As I finally drifted off, my phone rang. It was my father. I told him I have a migrane. I tried to listen to the best of my ability to his garbled voice (since the throat cancer his speech has become rough). I drifted off again. At 3am I stirred, my head screaming on the inside. I knew I needed to get something for it. Was WalMart open? It took me half an hour to get up and in my car. I felt weak and nauseous. As I drove I had to pull over and throw up - yum! I made it to the store, getting juice and advil. I downed 2 pills right there. I made it home without throwing up again. I crawled into bed with some saltines, juice and advil. I woke up this morning feeling rested and headache free.

Follow your heart

People say to follow your heart. Well, what is it that the heart is supposed to tell me? Even if my heart was speaking I wouldn't be able to hear it over the screaming in my brain. Maybe my heart has dulled over the years, maybe my heart has lost its voice or is afraid to speak.
"It doesn't have to be perfect like a movie scene, love is almost always accidental," Nate from Baumer sings. I don't agree. Ben Gibbard (Postal Service and DeathCab for Cutie) says it right in the song Clark Gable, "I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie... I want so badly to believe that there is truth that love is real, and I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd."
That's me. I am always waiting for a movie scene moment. I'm waiting for the final scene when the truth comes out, the lead characters admit to being in love with each other (sometimes with a fantastic quarrel) and ends with a forced kiss that turns into a truly romantic kiss.
I sound sappy. I realize that is a side of me I don't normally show to people. What if people knew that I am not really a bitch?

Do you have a Thinking Problem???

1. Do you lose time from classes due to thinking?
2. Do you think because you are uncomfortable in social situations?
3. Do you think to build up your self confidence?
4. Is thinking affecting your relationships with friends?
5. Do you think alone?
6. Do you think to escape from studies or home worries?
7. Do you feel guilty or depressed after thinking?
8. Does it bother you if someone says that maybe you think too much?
9. Do you have to take a think when you go out on a date?
10. Do you get along better with other people when you think?
11. Do you feel more important when you think?
12. Have you lost friends since you started thinking?
13. Do you think more than most of your friends?
14. Have you started hanging around with a crowd that thinks more than your old friends?
15. Do you think until you just couldn't think anymore?
16. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory from thinking?
17. Do you turn off to any studies or lectures about thinking?


If you answered yes to some of these questions, you have some of the symptoms that indicate a problem with thinking. Remember, there is no intelligent reason to deny that you have a problem. If you think you do have a problem, the most important thing is to do something about it!

pictures and memories

I am going through my boxes, throwing things out for the move. I found a picture of me with my ex fiance. I threw it away. I don't care for any remembrances of him. I was thinking the other day about the night I threw the ring away. We had broken up in October. I had taken off the ring a week before we broke up. I left it sitting on the counter near the sink. It wasn't until March when I got rid of it.
That night it came to me that it was time to lose it. I asked Holly to go for a walk with me. We walked out to the pond. I threw that ring as hard as I could. I cried after. I was relieved to be rid of it and all the lies it stood for.

Are you Dead or are you Sleeping?

After being up for 40 hours, I slept like a rock. I don't think I moved at all in my sleep. I awoke in the same position I had fallen asleep in. I don't remember any dreams, not even sure if there were any. All I know is that the sleep I had is probably what it is like to be dead.
It was the best sleep I have had in a while. I really needed it. I woke up feeling very refreshed. I don't feel so sick anymore either. Well, I am off to lunch.

Ja ne

Can't sleep and my body hates me

It's 4 something AM. Why am I up? I am in a mixed state. A mixed state is hell. Sure it sounds perfect to be neither depressed nor manic, but this is an uncomfortable combination of the two. I'm in a mood where nothing will make this better, then again nothing could make it worse. I want to pull out my hair.
I can't sleep. Part of it is I haven't taken my meds. I have a logical reason for that. I didn't bring enough with me to Columbia to last 4 nights. I was faced with three options:

1. Take the meds tonite and be fucked over tomorrow
2. Take one pill tonite and one tomorrow (basically not helping either night)
3. Skip tonite and have pills for tomorrow

I went with option 3. I was hoping that since I had a little to drink I could sleep off a buzz. That hasn't worked yet. In fact all I have gotten is stomach pains, in addition to my dizziness today.

Now if anyone reads this and cares to comment: You know when you get up to fast and you feel dizzy and light headed? Well do you ever lose sight for a sec or two, like everything goes black? Marsh and Jamie said they don't. I do.

My body is quitting on me. I haven't been hungry so I am barely eating. Today I had half a slice of pizza, a milkshake and a bowl of applesauce. Yesterday I had a little popcorn, probably five bites of my Pasta Carabba, and I think I had some toast too.

Maybe I should eat now. I was thinking some mac and cheese. What else would be perfect at this time? In dorm life this would be a perfect time for the Mac.

Just Another Post

Summer is continuing and nothing major has happened. I've been relaxing. My summer living situation has changed due to lack of planning on someone else's part. Just the same. Now I have to go job hunting in a different city. It's a minor setback.
I've managed to lose 5lbs in the last week or so because of new meds. They make me not hungry at all. I've only been eating because I know I should. And when I do eat it is not very much, just a few bites. My sleep has been affected as well. I am having more trouble getting to sleep and it is a very light sleep. I'll have to talk to the Dr. on Monday.
I think I am starting to get the hives I got last summer. I see it trying to come out. They are pretty much stress hives. The funny thing is that I get even more stressed out when I break out. I freak and start looking to find each and every red mark. Stupid, I know.
Erin got word from the apartment people that we definitely have the place. I can't wait. I think I will buy some plants. Not sure what that has to do with anything, but I thought it might be nice. I should be able to take care of a few plants, right? Or will it turn out like the fish. Fish sure are boring to take care of. I would often forget about mine. It's not like a dog, cat or child. It does not tell you when it is hungry or has to go or anything.
I've had a chance to work on story writing, which makes me very happy. I am working on one right now and have another one starting in my head. Thanks to Veronica and Erick for looking at each revision and addition. It's nice to have sounding boards.

Embracing Summer

Well here I am on what is my first Monday off work. I've been doing some job hunting, nothing major just something part time for extra cash. And working part time gives me a chance to work on my curriculum. It all works out.

Saturday we found a box turtle near the steps and decided to keep it, so we put it in the yard. As we were driving out of the neighborhood, there was another one in the road. So we brought it back home. We got some melon for them. They are pretty cute. Mine is a boy, his name is Toshi. Marsh's is a girl and doesn't have a name yet. We thought it was a boy and he wanted to call it Dale Jr. We figured out it was a girl when Toshi was mounting her. So in a few months we should have some babies! :)

Today is just lazy, besides putting in applications. Crossing fingers.

The Execution of All Things

Last night Marsh and I went to Charleston to see Rilo Kiley. Last time I saw them was August 12 or 13th 2003 in Tucson.
We drove down to Charleston, hitting some heavy rain. When we got there we had dinner at this cute little place, busy, but good. After we walked around the market area. The line for the show was really long. When we arrived the line was around the block. We were lucky that they opened up the side door to let in ticket holders 21+. That cut time getting in by at least 20 minutes I would say. I bought a sticker and a shirt. I am starting a sticker collection for my new car (which I prob won't get for another year or so, but it helps to be prepared).
The first two bands kinda sucked. When Rilo Kiley came on they rocked. I love live music. The sucky part was this 16 year old couple next to us. The girl had a scowl on her face most of the time. She never moved to the music, never sang along, never got excited when a certain song was played - nothing. And she was standing in the front. Now if you aren't into the show don't hog the front, actual fans could be there having a better time than you. It pissed me off when this other guy came up behind us and the three started talking through the show. I kept turning around and giving them dirty looks. Towards the end of the show the couple left.
I wish they would have played The Frug, but they didn't. The show was awesome none the less.
Some girls kept yelling out "Fedora" because Blake Sennet played Fedora on Boy Meets World. They should have been yelling "Pinsky" for his role on Salute Your Shorts - which is way cooler than Boy Meets World.
Just the same, GREAT TIME. :)