Neither here nor there

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I had never left California. I know for a fact I would have ditched the deadbeat boyfriend 3 years before I actually did (meaning no move to SC - which starts everything). I most likely would have gone after some of the Asian guys on campus. I would have stayed with my Japanese Culture minor and I'm pretty sure I would have switched from a Psych major to English (not too sure why). I would have already been to Japan by now. I would have had more music going opportunities.

There is a fundamental problem with imagining what life would be like if...... Is that you can't account for all the possibilities that easily change our lives. The big wrench in the gears is the Bipolar. How would it have manifested itself differently? I think it would have been managed sooner without the dependency problem and emotionally abusive relationship. Then again I have no idea of knowing. It could have spiraled out of control. I could have gone on a total manic spree.

In my imagined alter world it didn't. I would be in control and used the mania to help me write. I would still be writing. I miss it so. I would have used it to be better socially, rather than this terrible awkwardness I do have. I imagine having a more artsy lifestyle.

Then there leaves one last question: where would I have been when my father died? Would I have been right by his side? Would I still have been the one to say the last goodbye to him? I don't want to think about that. That is something that will haunt me forever.

Back to lighter notes. I wonder what type of friends I would have and what men I would have dated. Though I am happen with the friends I have made and the conquests I have made ;)

I don't spend much time daydreaming about what could have been. But what if I actually said hello that one time? What if I had found my keys? What if I was in that place now wondering what if?