Week 2 and where am I?
What is today? What is the point of even knowing? If I didn't have dr's appointments I am sure I would lose track of the days entirely. I know I am towards the end of week 2 of introspection. Those that know me know that I overanalyze things, so why do I need a time specifically for analyzation? Instead of analyzing what could be going on, I am focusing on what has happened and possible things I could do. What have I found out so far?
1. My insecurities
a. I am self conscious of my body. I know some people who know me would laugh at that due to my admiration of my own breasts. My weight has me worried. I worry about gaining too much. I also worry about losing too much. Lately I've been losing weight because of my new medication. It has me turned off to food, just not hungry. I'm starting to get my appetite back. I bought some snack food hoping that if I had something easily ready to munch on would make me eat. It has worked so far, but I worry I might eat too much snacks. I do work out in the morning: 30min cardio and 10min ab workout. I'm happy being on the thinner side of things, maybe I can just get a little more toned.
b. Social interactions. If I don't know people very well I have one of two reactions: 1. I don't talk, 2. I talk too much. I'm not exactly sure how to act in social situations I have no control over. I like to be in control, most people do. I need to make sure that when in a group to contribute and allow others to contribute.
2. The break down impulse is larger than I prefer. Part of the Bipolar is getting paranoid, racing thoughts and getting caught up in things. I easily do that when things start to go wrong. Self pity parties can occur instantly. I have found that some people help me with this - not that I never want sympathy, but sometimes people will do the "awww poor C'eleste" thing and offer no help. I shouldn't rely on other people and in most instances I don't.
3. I am not a tomboy, but I am the geekboy girl companion. What can I say? I like to play video games and when pinned up against a guy I can kick some ass without being let to win. I am also an avid horror film fan (zombie flicks to be exact). I'm a fan of geekboy shows (Adult Swim, MXC) I draw the line at anything space exploration related (unless it's the mooninites). I think it helps that:
4. I am not a girly girl. Yes I am a girl, but the concepts of clothes/shoe/purse shopping, make up and hair styling are lost on me. It's true. I can't stand shopping - unless it is for cds. I do have moments of girliness though. There have been instances where I got dolled up to catch some male attention, as well as documented incidences of shopping.
5. I have impossibly high standards, apparently. Is it too much to ask friends to be there when I am feeling down? To hang out sometime? To call me once in a while instead of me always calling them? To be honest? Sometimes I guess so, which I why I don't have many friends. I also have high standards for dating. Someone told me I expect perfection, that isn't so. I just need someone who can handle me and understand what I need.
6. What do I need from a guy? I realize I can be a very emotionally needy. I also tend not to be too affectionate or physically needy. In fact, there are sometimes when I can't stand to be touched at all. I need someone to understand that being bipolar I'm not always going to act rationally to things, I try to get a control on it, but sometimes I can't. I also need someone to know or learn how to handle the depressions and the mania.
7. What do I want? I have a friend who has a list of things she wants to do before she is 25. We are the same age and in a year and 1/2 we will reach that marker. She has listed silly things, and serious goals. I thought about it, and there really isn't anything I feel like I have or want to get down before 25, even before I die. I guess I want the whole get married and procreate thing, but not now. I am not ready for it now. I am not even ready to think about that now. The only thing that stands out is that I WANT to go to Japan. So I am studying my ass off to join the JET Programme.
I think that is enough self realization for today.
1. My insecurities
a. I am self conscious of my body. I know some people who know me would laugh at that due to my admiration of my own breasts. My weight has me worried. I worry about gaining too much. I also worry about losing too much. Lately I've been losing weight because of my new medication. It has me turned off to food, just not hungry. I'm starting to get my appetite back. I bought some snack food hoping that if I had something easily ready to munch on would make me eat. It has worked so far, but I worry I might eat too much snacks. I do work out in the morning: 30min cardio and 10min ab workout. I'm happy being on the thinner side of things, maybe I can just get a little more toned.
b. Social interactions. If I don't know people very well I have one of two reactions: 1. I don't talk, 2. I talk too much. I'm not exactly sure how to act in social situations I have no control over. I like to be in control, most people do. I need to make sure that when in a group to contribute and allow others to contribute.
2. The break down impulse is larger than I prefer. Part of the Bipolar is getting paranoid, racing thoughts and getting caught up in things. I easily do that when things start to go wrong. Self pity parties can occur instantly. I have found that some people help me with this - not that I never want sympathy, but sometimes people will do the "awww poor C'eleste" thing and offer no help. I shouldn't rely on other people and in most instances I don't.
3. I am not a tomboy, but I am the geekboy girl companion. What can I say? I like to play video games and when pinned up against a guy I can kick some ass without being let to win. I am also an avid horror film fan (zombie flicks to be exact). I'm a fan of geekboy shows (Adult Swim, MXC) I draw the line at anything space exploration related (unless it's the mooninites). I think it helps that:
4. I am not a girly girl. Yes I am a girl, but the concepts of clothes/shoe/purse shopping, make up and hair styling are lost on me. It's true. I can't stand shopping - unless it is for cds. I do have moments of girliness though. There have been instances where I got dolled up to catch some male attention, as well as documented incidences of shopping.
5. I have impossibly high standards, apparently. Is it too much to ask friends to be there when I am feeling down? To hang out sometime? To call me once in a while instead of me always calling them? To be honest? Sometimes I guess so, which I why I don't have many friends. I also have high standards for dating. Someone told me I expect perfection, that isn't so. I just need someone who can handle me and understand what I need.
6. What do I need from a guy? I realize I can be a very emotionally needy. I also tend not to be too affectionate or physically needy. In fact, there are sometimes when I can't stand to be touched at all. I need someone to understand that being bipolar I'm not always going to act rationally to things, I try to get a control on it, but sometimes I can't. I also need someone to know or learn how to handle the depressions and the mania.
7. What do I want? I have a friend who has a list of things she wants to do before she is 25. We are the same age and in a year and 1/2 we will reach that marker. She has listed silly things, and serious goals. I thought about it, and there really isn't anything I feel like I have or want to get down before 25, even before I die. I guess I want the whole get married and procreate thing, but not now. I am not ready for it now. I am not even ready to think about that now. The only thing that stands out is that I WANT to go to Japan. So I am studying my ass off to join the JET Programme.
I think that is enough self realization for today.
posted by C'eleste @ 8:35 PM
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