The me me me syndrom

Harou seems to think that the world is hers. That the blinds are her swings, the couch is her scratching post (and not the actual one we bought), the trash can is merely a step to the counter, a vacant lap is her bed and so on. I find I can't do much without her involvement. As I type she is sitting in my lap trying to paw at my fingers as they type. When I read she rests on my chest. When I write she jumps on my paper and attacks the pen. I can't enter the kitchen without her whinning.

No one said having a cat could be so annoying, but she is cute

another day

The lull of the day has me restless. I've been reading and such. The new apartment is great. I love it. We are situated and it seems we really live here. My kitty has adjusted and doesn't run around so much looking for something to destroy.

School starts in a few weeks. Am I excited or fearful? Both. I want to have something to do all day, but I'll miss being lazy. I know...

For now I will collect my book and read.

The end is the beginning is the end

Where does one thing end and the rest of the world begin? Where does one thing begin and the rest of the world fall apart? How is it that a moment can break everything you once knew to be true? How do you change without knowing how or why?

I don't know. I just know that when I look into the mirror something is missing. I see a girl with blonde hair and green eyes that hold a great deal of sorrow as well as hope. In the last month something has happened to me. I don't know what or why or how, but it did. I suddenly became someone I didn't know, someone fragile, afraid and leaving what could have been the greatest thing to happen to me. Maybe I am stupid, and will curse myself in years to come, but right now I'm not sure what is what. It just is.

moving

One more day to pack. I'm excited. I have been waiting to move into the new apartment since Erin and I started talking about her moving up here. We found a nice place that I am thrilled about.
I've always hated packing. I enjoy unpacking though. It's the feeling of finally being home. Harou is enjoying all the boxes. She has been jumping in and out of them.
I went out with the boys last night. It was nice to just hang out. We had sushi (I know what you are thinking, "wait she's a veg head!" You've missed an earlier post about adding seafood to my diet, but it's rare when I eat it). We then went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I was not sure if I would like it, but it was enjoyable. The ompa lompa songs were better than the original.

Well, Harou is jumping on the keys and I am getting annoyed. Ja ne!

A good friend

A good friend:

Drives out to sit on the side of the road with you when you are waiting for help

Recognizes that you're pale and not feeling well and takes care of you

Reads you your favourite book from when you were a kid before you go to bed

Makes mac and cheese at 2am for your drunk ass

Will get drunk and hoochie dance with you

Would watch your favourite movie - even if it is 5 hours long

Dresses up with you and walks to the local 7/11 to freak out the clerks and customers

Gives you your fav candy to bribe you to do your work

Holds the fence so you can crawl under and not tear your clothes or skin

Helps you paint your nails in the back row of an awful - yet easy math class

Takes the blame for your tping the basketball team's cars


So far, I am a pretty good friend :)

AH!

I about had a heart attack today. I couldn't find my star ring. I usually take it off when I shower and put it on the shampoo ledge. I take it off when I wash dishes, I put it on the counter. My ring was not in either place. I searched my desk, purses, pockets, tables, floor and nothing.
I was about to cry. If I lost it it would mean losing a lot. Frantic, I searched every place once more and looked around my bathroom sink area. It was under my I-never-use-it-makeup bag. I found it. Whew!
In other AH! news I have some rash on my back. I am trying to determine the cause. I know one of my meds can cause a nasty life threatening rash, but it could be an ant bite or something else. Damn it, now I have to go to the dr.
My insurance company upped the cost of one of my meds. Instead of $25 it's $40. Damn it.

Pocky!

You Are Green Tea Pocky

Your attitude: natural and zen Peaceful yet full of life. Deep and thoughtful. You're halfway to tantric bliss!

What Flavor Pocky Are You?

Florida is Forever

As I spin the stars around my finger, I take it all in. I gaze at this ring you gave me and know that it may be the last, or perhaps the first. If for now, the only.

We've talked about it, made plans. I've thought about it, and freaked out. A month or two ago it seemed like a dream we wanted to share and bring to life. It sounded nice, but now it sounds scary. Do you realize what you ask when you ask for Florida? I don't think you do. Florida is for life.

I said I needed time to think about things, discover the me I am when I am not with anyone. For the past 5 years I've been from man to man running away from everything. You said you understood, but that the me I am without you should be the same me I am when I am with you. I don't agree. You, being 9 years my senior, must have had time to assess things you've been through. I have not. We both know I have been through some shit, everyone has. Here I am standing out on my own (though I have been seemingly on my own for a very long time) and ready just to be for the moment. I need some time to be this me, the one that lives outside all lines I knew before. I'm no longer the girl working 5 jobs to pay for school while doing my damnedest to keep a 3.5+ gpa. I am now the woman that works her 60hours a week (paid for 40), has her own place to live and a new set of rules to live by; the woman who has come to terms with the past and moved on. I can't be her without a little time on my own. I can't quiet all the buzzing in my head if my focus is us and Florida. Florida is for life.

With all this talk of breaks, and finding self, you are so unsure. You thought we were together on this, that is was a sure bet. You asked me if I needed you to ask me to marry you and said that you weren't ready for that. Neither am I. Don't you understand? By asking me to move with you to Florida, you are asking me to be with you for life.

I made a move, changed my life for I boy I thought I loved before. Look where it landed me! I was stuck in a horrible relationship in a horrible place where I do not fit in. I still don't fit in. I went through a terrible emotional ordeal because I moved for a boy I thought I was in love with at the time. I don't know if I am ready for that again. Florida is for life.

You said to call you when I figure out it out. I will, but for right now I am a 23 year old woman facing a big change and desiring a close to her past. Emotional pain and baggage is not for life, but Florida is. And I love you so much.

Therapy

I had therapy the other day. I hate going sometimes. I just wish it was not necessary for me to go or to take medicine, but being Bipolar it's something that has to be done. By the way, my therapist is sleeping with my Dr.

Anyway, my therapist gave me a few pages on irrational thinking. Some of it hit too close and made me cry. I hate being this way.

Harou = Peace

Today I did it. I went out and got me a cat, a kitten actually. She is ten weeks old, is black with a few orange blotches. I got her from the Humane Society. She was the first cat to jump up and pur at me. She is in my lap purring right now. I am so happy she is already housebroken. :)

I went out to see a movie tonite, all by myself! I saw Land of the Dead, a movie I was waiting to see with a friend of mine (I've waited two weeks I believe). Said friend was too busy, so I saw it alone. No, I didn't jump. No, I wasn't scared. I was too busy analyzing the zombies and their actions, judging their realism. I know, I know, zombies aren't real, but if they were, they would have some rules to follow.