Cheers to Another Year

Congratulations to me. It has been 5 years and this is the first year that I have made it through that day without a tear shed. This is usually a sad season for me, but this year I seemed to forget all about that.
This weekend was a Columbia weekend, yes another, but I don't mind, especially since I get Thursday night specials sometimes :)
I met Marshall's dad and his brother. I think I made a pretty good impression. Parents usually like me. I can only think one family of conservatives that didn't. Oh well. They didn't like me for me, that was their problem. Marshall's dad told me that since we have been dating Marshall has been noticably happier. Score! That's a pretty good compliment.
Things are going really well. Things have been on a pretty good scale of movement. I feel really comfortable with him. I can really talk to him. We're a good balance.
We went bowling Friday night. I beat him by one point. I actually bowled over 100! YAY! I knew that bowling and badmitten course would come in handy (yeah right, but it beat taking golf). We also hit the Ms. Pacman machine. I love that game. I think we need to get one. We could solve arguments with it as Marsh said. I think combined we'd make the ultimate PacMan player. I am a good board clearer and he is a good point getter. He gets all those ghosts and fruit bonuses that I can be too chicken to go after. Not to say that we fight. We have had disagreements, but it's nothing like I have ever had before. We calmy fix the problem and it's back to lovey dovey. I don't get the old urge to scream and yell things just to protect myself. It's really cool. I like the way things work with us.

your words  

Vegas Wedding

Gee, that is a really misleading title. One might think I may be the one having a Vegas wedding. My sister is the one getting married in Vegas. I am only the maid of honor. Rightnow I am looking for hotel info online. My past 3 experiences in Vegas were colorguard competitions. So this time I will actually be able to get out and do things, in addition to being old enough to gamble. Marsh has been getting me ready with poeker and BlackJack.
I found us a flight that is pretty cheap. I would like to be able to catch a show this time, something Cirque of course! Tickets are like $100 each. Hopefully I can put some money away before the trip. It's been hard lately because I had to get a bed. I don't know if I made that big announcement yet, but I got a BED. It is so nice not to sleep on an airmatress.
My sister hasn't sent the dress yet. I need to get it taken in. Or at least when I tried on the size 2 at the store it was too big. I am not sure if I have gained any since then. I have been working out, I want to get that flatten tummy.
Well back to checking on my baby.

Playing Nurse and Realizations

My weekend so far has been uneventful and unexciting. I am down in Columbia taking care of Marshall. He has had fever, chills and a bad cough. So I have been in charge of getting juice, making sure he eats and medicine. I hate it when people are sick. It's not that I hate taking care of them, it's that I feel so powerless to make them better. I'm the type of person to stay with someone when they are sick and do all I can for them. When Holly was sick at the retreat I stayed with her instead of doing the other activities. Somethings are more important. I am glad that since I have been here Marsh's fever has gone down.

I came to a realization about people and relationships. People don't lose touch if they really care about each other. I've lost touch with so many people in my life. Sometimes I miss these people, sometimes I am glad I am no longer connected. It's all two way though. The effort has to be made on both parties. I feel soemtimes I am the only one trying. I recently got back intouch with a good friend after a few months. I am very glad we re-established contact. She wa a good friend and collegue. Now we are back intouch and exchanging stories about work. We both lost touch with the other SpEds. I wonder if this was because the two of us were closer than the others or what. I suppose out of a group you only keep intouch with those closest to you. Just the same a lot of bridges have been burned and there is no rebuilding them. At least, not if you are the only one trying. I guess the point is to hang on to those dear to you.

It's just a jump to the left.................

Marsh and I went to the Art Bar last night where they had members of his old band do a Rocky Horror Picture Show thing. It was pretty cool. I won the costume contest. I dressed up like Magenta. I remember going to RHPS back home at the Loft. I think one of my favourite parts was seeing Buffi as Riff with a hump on her back. (Oh shut up, you would have thought so too). I had two drinks and didn't chug them, go me. Alcohol has slightly lost it's appeal since last year's drunkapolooza. Just the same the night was fun.
Friday night my school had a sweetheart dance. We went and there were a lot of students. Only one of my classroom students was there, but 3 of my tutoring students were. As you could probably imagine the kids were mostly running around. A few were dancing. There weren't many teachers there, which surprised me. I would figure more would come out to an event. I was the only teacher who entered in the dance contest. I did it for the kids, give them a good laugh.
I think the best part of this weekend was getting my bed. That is right I have a bed finally!! I bought sheets for it too. They are black and cranberry. I am washing the sheets right now. The comforter had clogged up the washer and there was water EVERYWHERE. Man that sucked trying to get it all up. I also got new tires on my car (thanks Marsh). My front passenger tire was always running on the low side. I would fill it with air and it would run low again. There was a tear in the tire. So I guess it is good I got new ones.
I'm starting to get sick, which really sucks. Some of my students are sick. I really don't want to take days off already. Well off to finish laundry and think about heading back home to Easley.

A start to a story, maybe

A mirror was once haphazardly hung on a wall. No care taken to make it appear straight or remotely cherished. It has no special ornamental border to capture it as something rare and beautiful. If anything, it appeared dull, undusted and unmistakably out of place. It was left there in a denied existence as time wearily passed by.
She does her job of meditating on what is presented to her, with flickers of passing objects she tries to hold on to and does so briefly until it is stolen away, leaving her back to the same old show. She hangs there so dutifully, knowing it doesn't matter, but in constant hope of a glimmer of recognition. It never comes. Time slides on and the mirror cracks, no it shatters.
While this mirror is a reflective surface, staying true to what it sees, it is not a mirror, but a girl who once stood so fragile. She has shattered. The number and size of the shards are unknown to any surveyor of the wreckage and to the girl herself. She does know that there are many shards. While part of her still sees herself and functions as a whole, she is aware that she is, indeed, not a whole, but many fractured pieces.

Mixed state badness

As I stand trapped in a mixed state (for those of you who are not lucky enough to be bipolar or know someone closely who is it is a state of aggitation and depression), I find myself thinking about things that have happened in the past. I think about some incidences and I get so angry.
to that person, I hate you. I hate all the things you did to me. Under your thumb I became real messed up. You lead me to believe I was nothing and without you I would be even worse. I gave up so much of myself and my life for you. I gave up so much and you gave so little. You made me feel like less of a person, that I had no worth. You kept me down so that I could never get up and leave you. I know that now, that's why I got out.
You kept me from feeling good about myself and what I was doing. Nothing I did was good enough in your eyes. You never had anything positive to say about me. You did things to degrade me emotionally as well as sexually. I came to hate my body in addition to everything else about myself. I shudder to think about what my weak mind let you do to me.
I know now that I am stronger than that and no one will ever do to me what you did. I will never be made to feel like nothing again. I'm still plagued by what you did at times, but I won't let it happen again. You were one of the people who held me down and took advantage of my illness. I hate you for it and I always will.

Instant Update

Well I am back to not having a computer at home so my updates come from school or someone else's computer. Work is getting stressful as they keep giving me new students and no IEPs. I'm doing the best I can, but I am really drained.
I've been having bouts of depression. I think for the most part things are ok. It's just a bit depressing that after working all day I come home to an air matress, no real furniture and an empty place. It's just hard sometimes.

I've started writing again. I'm working on a story. While doing so I am remembering the only person who ever really took an interest in my writing. And a note to you, thanks. Your interest in my work really helped me keep writing. I still write and I wonder if you still read. I never know. So you know, I still read, but you don't still write. Maybe this falls on blind eyes.