Writing it Down for You by Pop Unknown

Take from me the apple of my eye
Distort the reasons why
She comes back again and again to me
Find me on the ground looking upside down at you
You're everything to me
I need to find out if I'm anything to you

Now don't believe everything you hear
It's clear the reasons why
She needs me again and again you see
knock me to the ground looking upside down at you
You're killing me
You're killing me

Anxiety Attack

Last night I was gasping for air and crying my eyes out, which makes the whole getting air process harder. I haven't had an attack like that in a while. I was depressed all yesterday and a bit today. It could be because I hit a hypomanic spot the other day, or that I haven't really been out of the house, or a combination of those and other reasons. A lot has been on my mind and that is understandable with the new job and the move, but it is more than that. It's so much more that I beg Holly to smack me to knock some sence into me.
I talked to Willie today, whom I haven't talked to in a while. I sort of abandond that group of friends after the Liz fall out and then again after the Erick fall out. The problem with the last situation is that there are a lot of people who think they know what went on, but don't. So I chose to stay away from the whispers the best I could, knowing that no one could say anything remotely as terrible about me as I thought about myself. THen there are the people who still insist they know what is going on, but don't. In this case there are only two people who know what is going on, the terms agreed upon and the struggles. It's been murder for us both.
Just the same my mind has been hectic.
A quick apology to those getting dizzy by the switching of templates. I found a really cool one, but I can't get it to work exactly the way I want it to so I ditched it. I'll probably play with it again in a few weeks.
For now I must get some air and clear my mind.

I know what you're doing

And it drives me insane!
Does that make you happy?
I bet it does

So this is Christmas

Another year another boost to the economy with the most commercial holiday known to man. Am I complaining? I guess so. I haven't been a big fan of Christmas since my family moved from NH to AZ when I was 12. It just didn't seem like Christmas as I would swim outside instead of gathering around my grandmother and cousins.
This is my first Christmas away from my family. I got the presents in a box in the mail. I opened them that night. I got a pretty good stash. I tihnk the gifts I gave were pretty good ones too.
Christmas used to mean so much more when I was a kid. It was getting up as early as I could after a night of tossing and turning in excitement waiting for morning. My sister and I would run downstairs, we had to stay in the hallway, and call for my parents. We would all go into the livingroom and open gifts. After a big breakfast we would all get ready and head to my Gram's house. Everyone would be there. I'd play games with m cousins while the adults talked. We'd eat then go home.
This year I woke up at 1pm, had already opened all my presents, ate some cinnamon rolls and took a shower. With the rest of the day I might work on more lesson plans, but will most likely play Sims2.
Well I guess I better get started on slacking off. Who knows when I will be able to do so again (I'm thinking Spring Break.)

How does your garden grow

You plant the seeds of doubt,
sprinkling them on my tongue
the roots dig in
find their way to my heart and strangle
vines grow into my brain
a bud forms and grows

You tend to your new garden carefully
nourishing each new blossom
willing each secret to bloom
daring each happy memory to turn to longing
and it does

I wonder how this makes you feel
Have you gained anything through this mutual heartache?
You wonder why I cry all the time
It's the fruit of the blossoms that kills me

The Year: set to music

Well I am going to give a rundown of my fav albums this year. I did it on my radio show, now I will put it in writing.


5. The Faint - Wet From Birth
4. Jimmy Eat World - Futures
3. The Good Life - Album of the Year
2. Rilo Kiley - More Adventurous
1. Butch Walker- Letters

I think that is right. If not I will correct it when I am in better music scrutinizing mode.

The yearly run down

At the end of every year I make it a point to write about the last year. I was cleaning up some stuff while getting ready to move and found some of my old diaries. I read the last pages which contain these summaries. I've carried this on to my online journal. This will be my first on here, you can find others HERE.
I have been through a lot the last year and a half. Last year at this time I was 90lbs, sick, and drinking a lot. I was hanging out with Holly the other day and asked her "How drunk was I last year?" She answered the the two of us were drunk most of the time. I never realized how bad it got. We both were drowning our sorrows. It hit me when I was recalling our time living together that most of my memories involved drinking. I haven't been drinking much since then. I have only gotten drunk twice.
This past year things went from pretty damn bad to wonderful. I started out the year mourning the loss of a good friend and advisor. I busted my ass for the radio station in his memory. Spring semester was spent doing stuff for the station. I went through a few boys, Tommy, Benjamin and on to Erick. Things with Erick were good, they were. There was a connectiom neither of us could deny. Things just kind of fell apart and I ended up in the arms of someone else.
The past few months has been an on going battle between us. Severing ties has proved impossible. We are remaining friends, which is bothering a lot of people. But when have we ever cared about what others thought about us? Only those few weeks where we weren't completly honest with eachother.
The new guy is Marshall. He treats me great. I'm really happy with him. He is always surprising me with his greatness. We have great things in common, but it's not that we have everything in common. We suppliment eachother's knowledge. It's filling, it really is.
I've graduated from college :) I also have a job. I start in January teaching Special Ed. I'm excited about it. I am going Tuesday to move the room around to how I want it. I should be getting lesson plans started. I have also found a place to live :) It's a 2bed and 2 bath apartment with a girl named Leslie. She seems really nice. The apartment is great too!
Well this is all I want to update for now. I must get back to packing.

Movin' on up

Wow! Lot's of fun things happening. First off my birthday this year did not suck, yay!!!!! Tati, Joe, Holly, Marshall and I went to this cute Japanese place. I like it a lot more than the other places I have been to. I love Japanese. It was really nice to be there with the people I care about and who care about me. One of my nicer birthdays, probably the nicest yet. The past 7-22 years have been sort of a bust. I got some super neat earings from Nepal from Tati, a celestial door hanging from Joe that I have already picked a place for in the apartment, Marshall has given me countless things. He spoils me, really bad. And everytime he pops up with another surprise I am completely surprised and thankful. I wish I could return all that he gives me, he makes me so happy. I feel so loved.
SO I went to meet the girl with the room today. She's pretty nice and the place is nice too. I am going to move in I liked it all so much. I get the master bedroom and my own bath and a huge ass closet.
Things are looking good.

Radio

Tonite the radio station had a party for me. It's the end of my regime. I am sad. I really am. It has been a great time being a DJ and a manager. Running the station has been an incredible experience. I know the guys will keep it going.
Rob said something before he left. He said that I've done a lot with the station and that EJ would be proud. It was then I let loose the water works I had held in all night. It has been almost a year since EJ died. I miss him still. He's the reason I've done all I have for the station. Rob was getting teary too.
I thank all of the DJs for their hard work and for dealing with me. And I thank Joe for what he did on the webpage: http://web.presby.edu/wpcx Check out my greatest moments lol.

Thanksgiving, Job Interviews and more

Thanksgiving came and went. School kicked me to the streets, but lucky for me I have an amazing boyfriend. Marshall took me in, I knew he would. We stayed with his roommate Jamie at Jamie's beach condo in Myrtle Beach. I hadn't been to the beach for Thanksgiving since my freshman year of college. It was nice. We had a good view of the ocean. We all went out for a walk on it - even though the water was freezing we still put our feet in it.
I've had some job interviews and been asked to make more with a few schools/districts. The first one I had didn't go too well, at least I don't think it did. I did my best, but it was the first interview. It didn't seem to be a job I wanted anyway. It was middle school and came with two aides - which has to say something in a class of 8. I took a job already with an elementery school in Greenville. I know I have been saying Columbia Columbia Columbia, but this school really took me in.
So now I have a job that starts Jan 3. I have 8 students, EMD. A few emotional problems in there too. I am excited to start. I have so many ideas.
On a different subject, I have always had a hard time letting go of things. Lately I've been hanging on to something that I probably should not. I just can't let go. I need to for all parties involved. I had to test something the otherday and I know where I stand at this point. I hate all of this, all the bad feelings that have been exchanged. I am truely sorry for all the pain that has been caused on both sides. I think moving may help the situation.