Coming to Terms

I've always felt ok with the fact that I am Bipolar. I knew what I had and how it can complicate things. I've learned how to cope with most of my moods and mood changes. Somehow though, I've always thought I would get past it, that I would be normal agaimn somehow, if there is such a thing. For some time I have been charting my progress by the number of pills and their level. The less pills on the lowest dosage the better. This line of thinking is entirely false though.

THe truth is there is no cure for Bipolar. It never goes away, it can only be managed. Managing never seemed enough for me. It's really hard coming to terms that, yes, I am always going to have this. Sometimes it will go into remission and I will feel fine, but it will always come back.

I hate when things go wrong. I don't want to blame it on the bipolar. My therapist said that Bipolar is not an excuse, but an explanation. I feel like it's an excuse.

Bipolar coaster

I wonder if my condition is worse on me or those around me. I suspect it must be nearly impossible to deal with me in the lows and in my bizarre highs. I can't imagine the thoughts or feelings they have, or if they having any concerning the matter. Very few have dealt with the hardest hitting moments. I try to reserve those for me and me alone. I don't want to burden those close to me or further alienate myself. It gets lonely crying in the shower or into pillows, screaming without sound so no one hears.
It's something no one can truly understand unless they go through it. Those who don't understand it are the first to trivialize it with "everyone gets that way" "it's just a phase" "get over it" and so on. I think these people can be one of two ways: 1. They see and don't know what to do or 2. They don't see it at all or chose not to see it.

It's up and down. This plunge is almost crippling, but I'll smile and pretend that each day is a happy blessing.