Thank-full

damn..... this past month has been nothing but snacks and big meals, and it's only going to get worse with another holiday fast approching.
My mother flew in last week and spent the week here. It was nice. I took her to the zoo and to see Harry Potter. It was nice.

Right now I'm feeling pretty low. I know Christmas is coming up and it's just not going to be the same without my dad. He'd try to sleep in then bitch when we woke him up at 8 so we could open presents. After some coffee, he usually livend up. Still it won't be the same.

Depression weighs more than a ton of bricks

I don't know where in the depression the anger and the resentment kicked in, but it did. I've been very depressed since the death of my father. I've been through a few weeks of only wanting to sleep. Now I don't want to sleep, but I don't want to do anything. It's a mixed state, which is hell. I'm so angry and wounded. I'm upset for the things I never had with my father and things I'll never get to share with him. I'm so wrapped up in my emotions that I don't want to be near people. I just get agitated.

Sometimes I think I put myself into the state of mind that I won't ever be happy, correction that I won't ever let myself be happy. I don't feel I deserve good things. I'd only break them or harm them in some way.

I have no outlet, no bad habit to help me through this. Nothing is soothing, nothing occupies the mind instead of repeating images of what I've seen and what I will never have. I feel like there is a huge hole where I am supposed to be. A void that cannot be filled. If I am not whole, how can I complete anything or anyone?

A different subject

I don't take disappointment very well. Sure no one likes to be let down, but I take it awfully hard. Even silly things. I get my hopes up so high for things sometimes just to have them crumble. I know I need to toughen up when it comes to that, but still. It hurts.

I went to see The Films last night. They were great. I love watching them play, hearing them rather, not that they aren't nice to watch. Their music is wonderful. I put on the new EP tonite and danced around. It made me feel better.

Yay, tomorrow is Friday (a payday Friday at that!)