Love is watching someone die
I'm trying to cope with watching my father die. He had been breathing at the rate of 5 breaths per 10 seconds for a few days, along with having a fever, with eyes open. I was talking to him, letting him know we loved him, letting him know we knew he loved us, telling him to please go if it hurts, that I would take care of my mother. I let go of his hand and went to sit on the couch, within minutes he started breathing at the rate of 5 breaths per minute. He inhaled, exhaled, tick tick tick, inhaled, exhaled, tick tick tick... I got up and before I could get his hand he looked at me and stopped. It was 12:28am. I held my watch telling myself I would wait till 12:30 before I did anything. I began crying as I ran for my mum's bedroom.
When I came back out his eyes were still open; the skin around his face tight; he was paler.
I was the only one in the room when he died, I saw it. I think in a way this makes me grief different. How does one get over watching someone die?
What Sarah Said by Deathcab For Cutie
"And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that out memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?.."
This song makes me think of this time. Though we kept him at home. I am glad we did. At the end he was home with us. That's how it should be.
When I came back out his eyes were still open; the skin around his face tight; he was paler.
I was the only one in the room when he died, I saw it. I think in a way this makes me grief different. How does one get over watching someone die?
What Sarah Said by Deathcab For Cutie
"And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that out memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?.."
This song makes me think of this time. Though we kept him at home. I am glad we did. At the end he was home with us. That's how it should be.
posted by C'eleste @ 10:16 PM
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