Rough draft brought on by depression

I fear I have lost myself,
But how can you lose something that was never there to begin with?
I am an idea
undeveloped
undefined
uncertain

In the photos I remember having took
There is a moment of truth captured
I was there
So were you
Doesn't that make us something?
Friends? Lovers? Teammates? What?
And does it mean anything now?

My memories are but short films
in which I never starred
Where was I?
Where was I in my own life and who have I become?
I was once a dancer, a student, a musician, a writer, a teammate,
I was someone's friend or lover,
But it all seems so hazy

Everyone has disappeared in the fog
I seek these friends lost
those supposed friends
whose support wavered
whose presence waned

I see their friends and lovers
and our relationship pales in comparison
even though I sat by you
held your hand when you cried
nursed you back to health when you were sick
cheered for you
laughed with you

It is not them that has disappeared into a mist
It is I
I am but a spirit with no real mark
I am undefined
I am a waste
of flesh
of time
of thought
of feeling
of blood

I have left no distinguishing mark in history

I was never a dancer, a student, a musician, a writer, a teammate
I was never a friend
never a lover
I doubt I was ever alive

In the HOUSE

In the HOUSE
I am in the house! Yay!

Erick, Barbara and her son helped me move all my stuff in. I unpacked the living room and kitchen yesterday. The two rooms are completely done, including art work on the walls. The bedroom for the most part is done. I need to put a closet organizer in the closet so I can hang up some clothes. I did buy a dresser. It's a cute 6 drawer wood dresser with a mirror. I only paid $35 for it at a thrift store. Sweet.

I did what I could with the bathroom. I'm glad it has a shelf thinger in my shower that holds all of my shampoos and shower gels. The problem is a lack of storage in the bathroom and the lack of a plug.

Su and I spent yesterday scrubbing the paint off the floor that the painters left. The floors look like new now. Su is my landlady. She's pretty cool. We hung out last night and she'll probably be over a lot. That's cool with me.

I need to get a camera and take some pictures. That will be the next thing I invest in. Right now I am a bit strapped for cash after moving and installation fees for services.

I wish Erick could have stayed longer. He had to leave yesterday to get back in time for work. He got minimal sleep after working all day to drive up here to help me. He crashed out after we finished the move. When he got up we went out for sushi to celebrate. I had been craving sushi for a while. mmmmm. I had the bbq eel, so good. I love that I am so close to downtown. I can walk there and get my fav foods.

Speaking of food, time for dinner.