Poem for my Dad

Sometimes I can’t remember
If you’re dead or still alive
I’m not there to see the empty couch
Where you always lay for 7 years
Even in that borrowed hospital bed
Till they carried your body away

We never spoke much anyway
Not since I moved
Though there is a void when I call home
You aren’t there to ask me
About the weather or the car
Was that the way you said “I love you”
In that senseless chatter?

When I was a child
You were so much bigger and stronger
I would sit upon your shoulders
On walks downtown
I would sit in your lap
As we watched tv

When I got older
I watched the 1st bout of cancer weaken you
I watched you choke on your own blood

Your voice changed after they opened up your throat
The tumor was gone
But so was the sound I knew
The sound I can’t remember anymore

You no longer worked or golfed
You slept and watched tv
You said you wouldn’t be around much longer
Till Mom bought you that motorcycle
Then you had a reason to live
Were we not good enough?

You lasted over 7 years
At 5 you were “cancer free”
But it came back suddenly
They said there was nothing they could do
The cancer swallowed your belly whole
They said you had up to 6 weeks
You left after 1

When it came to the end
The color drained from your face
And your skin grew tight
I could no longer make out your words
There was no use for food, water, or sound
You only blinked and stared off

Sometimes I can’t remember
Whether you’re alive or dead
Then I hear someone breathing
I stop and count
Timing each breath
As I did those last 2 nights

I stayed with you at night
I monitored your breaths
They were shallow and rapid
2 to my 1

The night you died it slowed
You gasped for air
Then silence
Another gasp
Then silence
Till you looked at me and stopped
You stopped
You stopped
And all I could do was cry
“He stopped”
“He just stopped”

Before you drifted off
We talked
I said “I love you”
I said “I’m sorry”
I said “I forgive you”
I told you to go
To not hang on
We didn’t want you to be in pain
I said all that, but I never said “good bye”
And I’ll never get to