A New Heart for Christmas

Since my father died, I have become increasingly aware of others' behaviour. I find myself disappointed greatly. Is it I who have changed? Were these behaviours always there? Am I now just seeing these things with clear eyes?

Somethings change us. And with change comes change.

They say it's your birthday...

My birthday is tomorrow. I don't really care. It also happens to be the 2 month mark of the death of my father. I'm reluctant to celebrate the big 2-4. I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. Things are just different now. My emotions are conflicted and I'm dizzy.

I just want to be ok again.

In what do we trust?

Where must loyalty lie; with the heart, the mind or with society's definition of what must one be loyal to (country, leader, mate [be it your true love or not]? To be loyal, according to the dictionary, is to be trustworthy, dependable and faithful. This definition of loyalty hardly resides in today's world. There is no true allegiance to anything, except one's self (and sometimes that gets botched). At one point in time loyalty was a thing of truly noble people, or perhaps that was only in literature. Convictions are few and far between it seems.

So where must your loyalties rest? Or does loyalty not matter anymore? Each morning in school we pledge our allegiance to a piece of cloth, but do we really mean that we steadfastly cling to our nation and it's leaders and would do anything to defend? I think not. When we stand at the alter and swear to be true to our partner, does it really matter when we decide they are no longer what we want?

I struggle with my own issues of loyalty, mine and that of others close to me.

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